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Dec 12

12 Comments

Memos From Your Child

As an addition to my recent post on childhood I thought I’d include this note from a child to a parent. I wish I could source it, but I can’t. As far back as I can remember it was on the back of my bedroom door at the cottage. Even as a child I can remember agreeing with it. Now as a parent, I find myself constantly referring to it. I’m not sure where that poster is now, but the words have always stayed with me…

Memos From Your Child

Don’t spoil me. I know quite well I shouldn’t have all I ask for. I’m only testing you.

Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it. It makes me secure.

Don’t let me form bad Habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.

Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly ‘big’.

Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’ll take much more notice if you talk to me quietly in private.

Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

Don’t make me feel my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.

Don’t be too upset when I say “I hate you.” It’s not you I hate. It’s your power to thwart me.

Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.

Don’t nag – if you do, I’ll have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

Don’t make rash promises. I feel badly let down when promises are broken.

Don’t forget I can’t explain myself as well as I’d like. This is why I’m not always very accurate.

Don’t tax my honesty too much. I’m easily frightened into telling lies.

Don’t be inconsistent. It confuses me and makes me lose my faith in you.

Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you’ll find I stop asking and seek answers elsewhere.

Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real to me.

Don’t ever suggest that you’re perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I find out you are neither.

Don’t ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me surprisingly warm towards you.

Don’t forget I love experimenting. I can’t get on without it, so please put up with it.

Don’t forget how quickly I’m growing up. It must be hard to keep pace with me but please try.

– Author Unknown

As far as I’m concerned, whoever wrote it was spot on. Children need our respect as well as our love and guidance. We can’t always be their friend, but we can always treat them like the people that they are.

Except when they’re whining…then all bets are off.

Dec 5

19 Comments

Millennium Manners

Dear Loch,

Recently we went to a wedding and our table of 10 had 4 people at it. The other 6 had decided at the last minute they couldn’t make it. It was the saddest little thing looking at our table with all those empty place settings knowing those meals were all going to waste in the kitchen. You couldn’t even clear away the settings to make it seem like those folks weren’t missing. Our table was deserted. The worst thing is, ours wasn’t the only one like that. The room was spotted with missing guests. I felt terrible for the bride and groom. If you RSVP to something, you’ve made a commitment to be there. Unless you’ve missed your plane or your leg has fallen off or your child is sick, you show up. The hosts have accounted for you in their planning and, in this case, ordered meals, paid for staff, and provided favors with that particular number in mind. To just not make it is incredibly thoughtless.

The thing is, I think thoughtless is becoming the norm. It’s a what’s best for me mentality. And it’s not just a few people. It’s lots of people. It’s half the party we just went to. Half. And it’ll be increasingly difficult to raise you with manners if what’s around you is general rudeness.

Manners are so important Loch, and though they’re becoming a lost art, there is still plenty of appreciation for those that have them. You are a particularly polite boy. You should be I guess, I’m all over you. But the response you get is phenomenal. There’s almost nothing better than a nice, well mannered child. Children are given a lot of slack in the manners department because of their age but when one is polite, it’s a real treat. Adults are expected to know better. Children are expected to be learning. Lately, I think adults could learn a little more.

With the recent rerelease of Emily Post’s iconic “Etiquette” book, there is clearly still a place for proper behavior in our new world. With that in mind. I’d like to go over my list of essentials in the manners department. I’ll refer to it as Millennium Manners. They’re in no particular order.

recklessbliss.blogspot.com

Table Manners – Your Granny was a stickler for these and I’ll be the same for you. At an early age I had to learn to set the table. Fork on the left. Knife on the right. Spoon on the outside of the knife unless it’s for dessert then it’s acceptable to put it horizontally above the plate. The glass (or glasses) goes above the knife to the right of the place setting. The napkin goes on the left to the side or under the fork (or forks) depending on the formality of the meal or on the plate itself depending on the design of the table. When eating you start from the outermost fork first. Small for salads. Big for Entrees. Small for dessert. Your knife and fork can go to at the 4 o’clock and 7 o’clock on the plate while your eating but when you’re done they go side by side at the 4 o’clock with the knife on top with the blade facing in. This might sound complicated but it’s not. I’m actually finding it more complicated to write it down. Once it’s ingrained in your head you never have to think about it. I actually have a real pet peeve about finishing your meal and not putting your fork and knife together. I’ve been known to reach across and push your Dad’s together. It drives him bananas. To be completely honest I have a hard time not putting my knife and fork together ALL the time. I hate seeing them splayed across the plate. (Super anal, I know.) I’ve confused many a waiter into thinking I’m done with my need for a neat plate.

Napkins go on your lap when you sit at the table not when you start eating. If you get up during the meal, they get loosely gathered and placed to the left of your plate (many leave the napkin on their chair but Ms Post says that’s incorrect). You eat soup by holding the spoon and scooping it away from you rather than towards you. This is a hard one to remember and seems kinda silly with chowders etc. but still, it’s good to be aware of the rules before you break them. Certain foods can be eaten with your fingers – asparagus, ribs, chicken legs/wings but never lick your fingers – or if you do, NEVER put your whole finger in your mouth or do more than 2 fingers at a time – it’s gross. I’m sure Emily would say NEVER but sometimes it happens. Just try and be subtle about it.Granny used to say, “would you eat that way with the Queen?” and I’d say, “When the Queen invites me to dinner, I won’t do this.” Mostly, it was about my sitting with my legs crossed, yoga style, in the dining room (infinitely more comfortable). But no, if the Queen or Kate invited us to dinner I would sit with my feet firmly on the ground and you wouldn’t lick your fingers.

If something in your mouth is gross, it is acceptable to quietly take it out and put it on the side of your plate. You don’t have to hide it in a napkin or, as I was taught, “Take it out the way you put it in.” Do you know how hard it is to spit something back onto a fork? Hard. And gross. I’m not going to teach you to do that. Apparently it is acceptable manners to sop up your plate with bread but you’re supposed to use a fork to do it. I’m going to say, again, it’s good to know the rules before you break them, but if it’s a casual meal at home, don’t bother with the fork, and if it’s a formal meal, maybe don’t do it at all. Elbows on the table are perfectly acceptable when there are no plates but not when you’re eating. At a table of under 8 people it is appropriate to wait until everyone has their food to begin eating. If people say, “please go ahead.” you may. If the table has more than 8 people, you may begin when 3-4 people have been served. I personally think, it’s nice to wait for those around you to have their food. If you and the 2 people at the other end of the table have plates, I don’t think that counts. Feel it out. At a big table you aren’t really eating with everyone anyway, but more with the 4 or so people around you. Keep and eye on them. If they have your food. You can eat. That seems appropriate. Also, always show up on time for big dinners out. That way you don’t get stuck at the end of the table talking to whoever was relegated there – usually random new boyfriends or girlfriends.When you cheers, look people in the eye. I had a dear friend who took that part quite seriously. We used to joke around with her by madly staring into each others eyes – stalker style – to rile her up. But really, she was right and it’s a nice thing to do. As a side note: Do you know why you clink glasses when you cheers? It’s so all 5 senses are incorporated. Taste, Smell, Touch, Sight and then Sound. I always thought that was kind of cool.

Subsequent note on booze: When offering a drink, never ask why or push alcohol on anyone who has declined. You don’t know why their not drinking and it’s not your business. Accept their no and politely offer an alternative.

Don’t eat too fast. Finish the food in your mouth before you speak. If you don’t like something, don’t eat it but don’t mention it either. If pressed on it, answer as kindly as possible. “Didn’t you like the beef?” “I don’t think it was for me.”  Asked to be passed things rather than reaching. And taste your food before you salt it. I rarely do this but it’s a good idea. I recently watched a show where one of the characters said he did job interviews over food to see if the potential employee salted his/her food prior to tasting it. To him it meant that the person was set in their ways rather than being attune to the situation at hand and adjusting as needed. I’d never thought of it like that, but there you go. It makes sense. If a waiter is not available, make sure you refresh people’s wine glasses and beverages as needed. Technically, you aren’t supposed to pour your own wine or sake, but very few people know this so don’t get too fussy about it. Never take the last of anything without asking or at least acknowledging you’re doing it. “Would anyone like the last shrimp?” “Would you like another piece of bread?” or if you really want it, do the “If no one wants this last piece of cake, I’m going to go ahead.” Few will stop you. If you are at home or a friend’s, when the meal is over clear the table. The proper way to do this is to start with the women (oldest to youngest) and then do the men. Clear from the right side of the plate so you can control the knife and fork from falling on their laps. And do your own plate last. Most people don’t know this so it might seem like you are just clearing at random, but it is the correct way and older people really appreciate it. When you’re finished your meal you can put your napkin back on the table and thank the host or the cook. Nice manners kid! You make your mama proud.

As a side note to table manners: When eating and drinking in establishments, be nice to your servers and bartenders. I am of the opinion that every North American should have to do at least 6 months in the service industry before they’re 25. Just like Italian citizens used to have to do mandatory military service, we should have to do mandatory waiting on others. Being served is a huge part of our culture and knowing first hand how the other half lives is key to being humble. I never worked in retail but I was a waiter/bartender for 10 years and it’s not all Tom Cruise in Cocktail. You make money. It can be fun. But overall, it’s a soul sucking job that’s both physically and emotionally depleting. There are career waiters and bartenders/mixologists, but for the most part, the people doing it dream of being something else and that’s a tough pill to swallow when someone’s screaming at you over how long it took you to get their Miller Light. If we all knew what it was like to do that job it would give us the perspective that patrons so often need. Having done it myself, I know not to get mad at my server if my dinner is late or badly done. They didn’t cook it. I recognize when they’re in the weeds (overly busy, just trying not to drown) and I’ll cut them some slack on their service during that time. I know that at a busy place the bartender will get to me when they can. I get a space at the bar, establish eye contact, smile and wait. Believe me, they’ll come to me faster than the person yelling at them. Like I said, it’s a s*^# job and they are doing the best they can. Tip 15-20% minimum. Believe me they’re earning it. The only time this isn’t the case is when your server/bartender is rude or incompetent. I am the best and most understanding customer unless you are useless or surly. Then I’m the worst. It doesn’t take much to be fine. To be serviceable. To be polite. But if you are rude or completely blow it on the orders and don’t really care, I’ll be the person talking to your manager and you get a 10% tip, if that. There are too many good actors and musicians out there looking for jobs for that person to be taking one of them.

Also, tip when it’s an open bar. It’s classy and they’re still doing the work even if you aren’t paying for it. That goes for weddings too.

Phone Manners – This is bigger topic than it was in my day as now everyone has a phone on them at all times. I definitely touched on it before in my technology post but the gist is this: Try not to be on the phone (and that includes texting) too much in the presence of a real person. The real person always takes precedence over the virtual person. If you must take a call or respond to a text/email, excuse yourself and, if appropriate, explain ever so briefly why you are doing it. “I just have to let so-in-so know where we’re meeting tonight.” Otherwise your company feels slighted. Maybe your generation will think it’s normal to ignore each other for your phones, but I’m not from your generation, and I want you to know it’s rude. It’s also rude to hang up without saying goodbye or a sign off of some kind. I knew someone who used to just hang up because she felt the conversation was over. I hated it. Hanging up on someone without acknowledgement of an agreed upon end is the height of rudeness. I’m embarrassed to say it is also something I occasionally do when I’m mad to your father. It yields poor results. It is polite to respond to a voice mail within a day even if it’s just by text or email. If someone has left their voice on your system they deserve to be responded too immediately. Do the best you can with emails. I know there’s a lot to go through, but I find it’s most efficient to comb my emails for personal ones first. Even if you’re just saying you’ll get back to them later on something, people like to know they’ve been heard. Finally, somethings should still not be done on the phone/text/social media sites – breakups and condolence calls. In person is the only way for the first and the second is best said in a hand written note.

Crane Stationary

Thank you cards – Are in the same category as the hand written note which, along with condolence letters, are nice for birthdays and apologies. The hand written note is a time killer for sure but people really like getting them and it’s the nicest way to say thanks. Presents deserve a hand written note. I try to get them out within the week I received them. If you don’t they just pile up and smother you while you sleep. Our wedding thank you’s were kind of like that. I was literally having stress dreams about finishing them. Thank you notes are also great for good meetings and when you’ve been invited over to someone’s house for dinner. Really, just get yourself some nice stationary -don’t roll your eyes, I’ll get it for you if I can – and use it to say thanks. They don’t have to be long, just make them as personal as possible. And when you get married, don’t pawn this job off on your wife. Or if you do, at least be VERY grateful.

On receiving gifts – Always be gracious. Even if you don’t like something you say thank you. Find something positive to say about it. Horrible hat? “Thank you, I just love the color red!”Terrible sweater? “Thank you! I can’t believe you were out shopping for clothes for me! That’s so nice!” People blow it a lot in the gift department. You just have to put a smile on your face, be sincere in your gratitude and hope there’s a gift receipt.

Respecting your elders – Older people have been here longer than you. They’ve seen more than you. They know life better than you. You might be younger and faster and, in all probability, better looking, but you are not smarter. Or if you are, you are not allowed to act superior. Listen with respect. Understand the advice you’re being given is an attempt to help you. To give you perspective that that person’s age has afforded them. Open doors for older people – heck open doors for everyone – give up your seat on the subway, call older men sir – if you can’t call them by name – but be careful of calling older women Ma’am. We all wish we were still a Miss. Let your women and your elders go first into, and off of, elevators and doors. Offer to help carry heavy things or help them into cars. Trust me: Boy scout manners have moved many a man forward.

Driving Manners – Driving manners go hand in hand with safety most of the time but I’m going to give you the highlights anyway. I’m the first to say I’m an aggressive driver. I don’t weave but I’ve been known to find my opportunity and move up. I never cut anyone off. I signal my lane changes – very helpful safety wise as well as being courteous. I let people in when they ask. I drive slowly in residential neighborhoods and parking lots, and when I park, I make sure my car is in only one spot when I get out of it. They actually sell “You suck at parking” business cards to put under peoples windshields now, which leads me to believe there’s a real market for them. Don’t be that guy. Make sure you have enough room to open your door without smashing the car beside you or have them smash yours and make sure you don’t park too close to someone so they have to crawl over their passenger seat like I had to do the other day – Thanks a lot black Avalanche!

Don’t text and drive because it’s not safe, but also because it makes you drive like an erratic freak. The amount of times I’ve said, “What’s this guy’s problem?” and then driven past him to see his/her head in their lap typing away… Don’t follow too close behind the car in front of you. One, if they brake and you’re that close, the unavoidable accident is your fault. And two, it’s annoying and it makes people mad. And mad drivers are bad drivers. Much to your Granny’s horror I am a big proponent of the horn. I think it is only rude if it is laid on unnecessarily. The horn is there to say, “Hey, the light changed.” Beep Beep. or “You can go.” Toot. Or “Dude, watch what you’re doing!” Beeeep! There are very few reasons to lay on a horn. Almost sideswipe me on the highway – yes. Too long at a stop sign – no.

As an off-shoot of driving manners I’d like to discuss pedestrian manners. Yes, a driver should stop for you if you are, say, about to cross the street at a cross walk or a light during a walk sign. The driver should not make a right turn before the folks waiting to walk across the street have cleared the area. But pedestrians should also not jay walk right in front of cars like it is there right to cross wherever they want. Jay walkers do not have the right away. They must wait till there is truly no traffic or until some kind soul sees them ahead and slows down to let them go. Same goes for walking in parking lots. You are in the car’s domain and not the other way round.  You yield to them. Walk to the side of the aisles. There is nothing more annoying than driving at 1 mile an hour behind some clueless shoppers meandering up the middle of the parking lot aisle. Move. Out. Of. The. Way. Really it all just comes down to…

General courteousness and having a thought for others – That guy is having a hard time getting out of his driveway onto a busy street? Stop and let him in. The woman behind you has two things to check out at the grocery store and you have 30? Let her go ahead. Pregnant lady getting on a crowded bus? Get up and give her your seat. Don’t wait till the front of the line to figure out what movie you want to see or what you might order off the dollar menu. Look people in the eye when you speak to them. Cover your mouth when you cough. Say “bless you” when someone sneezes. Be a good winner and a good loser. Put the toilet seat down. Use a match. Knock. Be on time. And if you RSVP-ed? You go. It doesn’t matter that something better came up. Leave early if you have to, but you’re going. And please, be understanding of the mother with the crying baby on your plane. Trust me, she’s WAY more miserable than you are.

In short, use your head AND your heart when dealing with others. It’s the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And the words, Excuse me, May I, Please, Thank you and Your Welcome are non-negotiable. Because let’s be honest, when it really comes down to it I want people to say, “What a nice boy that Lochlan is. His mother raised him right.”

I love you darling.

xo your Mom

Nov 28

25 Comments

Being a Man

Dear Loch,

So, you have a girlfriend at school. She’s new this year and you’re crazy about each other. She’s your favorite and you’re her hero. It’s mad cute. The other day though, one of the “cool” girls (and I say that with a touch of irony as I know everyone is 3 and 4) told your girlfriend that she could sit beside her. Your girlfriend was thrilled. She’d finally been accepted! You, however, were not so thrilled. As it worked out, there wasn’t enough space now for you to sit. You tried to finesse one but it wasn’t happening so you stood in front of your girl and wailed. You cried and cried until I came and lead you away. What I told you then makes me laugh just thinking of it. It went kinda like this, “Loch, I understand you’re upset. I know you want to be with her but you can’t be the guy crying in her face. Go play with your boys. Sit with someone else. Have fun and just hang out and she’ll come back to you. She has to sit with the girls right now. That a big move for her. But she’s crazy about you and she’ll come back just as long as you aren’t the boy screaming in her face. You don’t wanna be that guy.” Honestly, Preschool mirrors Jr. High more than I can possibly say. But it got me thinking. I told you you “don’t want to be that guy.” But what kind of guy should you be? What kind of man would I like to see you become? What could I possibly have to teach you about being a man?

Loch, you have a wonderful father who has been loving and involved in your life since before you were born. You will learn how to be a good man from him. Sensitive but not wussy. Confidence without arrogance. It’s such a relief for me to know that should I not be around, your father will be. Listen to him. He is a spectacular role model, and despite his rocky beginning in the teenage behavior department, he became one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. That being said however, women have a unique perspective on what makes a man. What qualities we value varies from person to person but since you are my son, I want you to know what I see as the markings of a truly good man.

When you’re young and dating, people always ask you what your “top 5” requirements are. You’ll answer this question many times in your life. MY list looked something like this:

Top 5 Qualities in an Ideal Man

Ambitious

Sense of Humor/Funny

Smart

Attractive

Powerful

Ambition is a big one and one that still rests near the top of my list. Ambition is a bit illusive as you can be ambitious without being successful, but, I feel that truly ambitious people eventually succeed because they’re not the type to give up. Determine goals for yourself. Set the bar high and be tenacious working towards them. You gotta be “hungry” and not afraid of the work it will take to get where you want to be. Men aren’t lazy. Boys are. Ambition can be a wonderful trait. It can spur you on when you feel like stopping. It can inspire you to find a new way to do something. It can focus your life like no other. Just be sure that your ambition doesn’t overshadow your life. Push yourself. Aim high. Go for the gold, and all the other cliches you can think of, but never at the expense of your family or friends. Getting where you want is not worth anything if you’re alone. Don’t step on anyone on the way up that you wouldn’t want to see on the way down. Remember who helped you. Help others. Be a man you can be proud of and that others are happy for.

Sense of Humor is on everyone’s list. I read once that to most people sense of humor simply means, someone who laughs at my jokes. Funny would be someone who makes you laugh.  Strive to be both.

Hospitalized in Mexico. Sean brings light to the situation.

Ultimately people just want someone who gets them. Funny people are almost always liked. I don’t mean being a comedian – someone who’s always on or pushing to find the humor – or a comic who is funny for a living, but just someone who enjoys the lightness of life and isn’t afraid to laugh at himself. Sense of humor also means someone who can see the humor in a bad situation. Who can brighten a room and make others more comfortable. There’s nothing worse than people who take themselves too seriously. People who are too self aware to laugh a little. A real man uses humor to his advantage and isn’t afraid to poke fun at himself.

Smart is big. You want to be a smart man. Smart does not mean intellectual. Often the most intellectual people aren’t very smart. Smart, to me, means clever. Well educated. Aware. People who are exceptional in their given field but who are also clued in to the rest of the world. You should have a working knowledge of many areas of life. You might not care about sports (that would be me) but you should know the names of at least 6-10 teams in each league. You should know the names of major sports stars of the day and you should have a working knowledge of how the games are played/scored. (Unless it’s cricket. I don’t get that game.) You may not be a business guy but you should at least comprehend the stock market and interest rates (I plan on putting you in classes for this since this a problematic department for me). Fashion might not be your thing but you should be able to name at least 8 designers and know how to dress yourself so you don’t look like a douche. You may be ambivalent about entertainment (almost impossible growing up in this house) but you should know certain actors, bands, author’s names. I don’t watch reality television but I could have a relatively interesting conversation on the topic. You have to be aware. It’s not enough to say, “I’m a guy. I don’t know about that stuff” or “I’m too busy to watch the news.” Get a clue. Life is happening. Not just your life. Be part of it. There’s nothing duller than a man who knows infinite amounts about only one topic.

Attractive is totally subjective and on the surface might seem shallow or irrelevant. At the end of the day you will be attracted to who you are attracted to and vice versa. It’s a lot of chemistry that is sometimes unexplainable.

Ready in 5 minutes but the man is not afraid of a few accessories.

When I talk about begin attractive I am really talking about taking care of yourself. You’re going to look how you’re going to look. Currently things are looking good and I’m not going to lie, the world is kinder to attractive people. It’s a sad but true fact. What I’m talking about though is taking pride in how you look. Working out. Staying in shape. Respecting your body for what it can do, but also for how good it can look if you put some effort in. I’m talking about showering and smelling good. I’m going to insist on deodorant – preferably non-aluminum. Musky is nice. Too much musky is rank. Get a cool haircut. Put product in or don’t. Have nice nails and non-Hobbit like feet. Avoid sketchy facial hair. Care, within reason, about your clothes. Don’t be too cool to dress up. Be respectful of where you’re going. You can still be manly if you make an effort. Just don’t get prissy about it. Men that take longer than women to get dressed are unattractive no matter how handsome they are. And that’s the long and the short of it, isn’t it? Attractiveness has a whole lot to do with attitude. You don’t have to be the best looking to be attractive. You have to be at ease in your skin. Confident with yourself. And those things are easier to do if you smell and look nice.

Powerful is one of those things I still find attractive but one that no longer makes my top 5. Powerful men are sexy. Powerful men are attractive. Powerful men get things done. And getting things done – being someone who delivers – is a palpable trait. It’s hard not to be attracted to power. It’s addictive. But it can also be hard. It can be vain. It can be short sighted. You want to be someone who gets s#^* done but you don’t want to be rude about it. I’d call it quietly powerful. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for what you want. To let someone know if they let you down. To send a steak back if it’s cooked all wrong or to tell a manager if there’s a problem. Stand up for what you know is right. Stick to your guns. Practice the art of persuasion and learn how to get what you want without being a d*^#. As your Granddad always said, be diplomatic. It’s power…with class.

And though power has it’s place, it’s Kindness that has replaced it on my list. In many ways, kindness has moved right to the top. It took me years to figure this out so I’ll let you know that some women, particularly young women, might not have any idea this is a key quality. They still like bad boys. The men that keep them guessing. The men that treat them like dirt. I understand this phenomenon as, for a time, I was that girl. It wasn’t until much later that I realized love wasn’t supposed to be that much work. It wasn’t supposed to cause me so much pain. That having someone be nice to me was lovely and I deserved it. You deserve it too. Pick kind people to be around if you can help it. Be kind to others. Be empathetic. Think about how what you do or say might affect someone else. I’m not advocating doormat behavior or being the “nice guy”. I’m just saying be a nice guy. Be someone people can count on. Which leads me to…

Honorable. An old word but an exceptional trait. You want to be the kind of man that people trust. That people can trust in. The kind of man that gives his word and follows through. The world has become very wishy washy in the honor department. It’s a trade up world. A world where people don’t think twice about selling out to get ahead. Money is king in modern day America and for that honor has taken a real back seat. I think it’s a real compliment to be referred to as a stand up guy. A gentleman. It speaks to a world of principles that are almost lost to us. And with honor comes…

Loyalty. Real men are loyal. To their friends. To their morals. To their wives. Enough said.

Other things I’d like to see my boy learn on his way to manhood:

Learn to Dance – I’d probably steer you away from competitive dancing, but dancing in general is a phenomenal skill for a man to have. The man that can dance is a real catch. If you can dance to popular music that’s a bonus but learn couple dancing too. Learn to lead. It’s great fun and a terrific way to impress the ladies. P.S. Your dad is awesome at this.

Be Handy – Now this may be impossible as I think it’s more genetic than taught – you’re either handy or your not – but it is my hope, based on the fact that I was quite handy until I met your Dad (who is so handy that I became useless), that you will have some skill in this department. Handy is key. Something is broken? You can fix it. Something needs building? You can build it. I really can’t say enough about this. I remember talking to someone Granny’s age once and she said if she could do it all over again she’d marry someone handy. First quality. I laughed because I grew up with your Granddad who is gifted in so many areas but handy is not one of them. When I married Sean it was such a pleasure to not have to call someone for every little thing. This summer, after 2 engineers, 1 architect and 2 business men tried to put together your swing set at the cottage, your Dad arrived and got it done in 1 day. One day. Get the tools and learn from your Dad. Everyone will be grateful you did.

Change a tire – I am the worst feminist for admitting this, but there are still some things I like a man to do. Changing a tire is one of them. I know I should learn but I still don’t know how. Pathetic but true. But as a man, you better know. My sexism also extends to…

BBQ  – I have a hard time thinking of a man as a man if he doesn’t know how to barbecue. Really dude?! You can’t grill a burger? Not cool.

Pay your own bills – A tough one because sometimes it’s easier said than done, but I feel it’s hard to consider a man a real man if he can’t pay his own bills. You don’t necessarily have to be the provider (sole or otherwise) but you can’t have your girl or your parents or your boyfriend always pick up your tab. We don’t want no scrubs.

Develop Manners – Look people in the eye when you shake hands. Be appreciative. Open doors for people – not just women – people. (Though you should help women on and off with their coats and offer your jacket to a cold girl.) Respect your elders and your juniors. Be polite to waiters and people serving or helping you. And apologize when you’re wrong. The world opens to people with manners. A real man knows that, but would have done it anyway.

Play at least one sport (video games don’t count) – I don’t care if it’s golf, football or anything in between. Sports and men kinda go together. It breeds camaraderie. It bolsters healthy competition. It keeps you fit and it gets you outside. It also helps you shape up to…

Lift heavy things or at least open jars – Please don’t be the guy that can’t open a jar. I don’t want you to be a meat head but at least have enough physical strength to help a friend move or open a new jam.

Finally, Listen – Men are notoriously bad at this. Work against that. Pay attention when people say things. Especially special people in your life. The man that brings you peonies because you said they were your favorite flower, is a man you keep. Try not to be the guy who brings the generic roses with the baby’s breath from the deli.

Here’s the thing: Your Dad was an Eagle Boy Scout. He can make a fire with no match. He can find his way out of the forest with no compass. He can shoot accurately with multiple guns, a cross bow and a bow & arrow. He’s white water rafted and jumped out of a plane. He played football in high school and is now into competitive paintball. He’s a man’s man and you’ll learn multiple skills from him. But he’s also an actor and a dancer and a romantic. He tells a great joke. He knows about wine. He takes pleasure in his appearance. He’s loyal to his friends. He’s a hands-on father. He works his heart out for his career. He remembers my favorite things and puts his family first. He is a loyal, loving man and a person you should be proud to grow up like.

But for goodness sake, avoid being the punk a@# he was in his teens. You blow up an abandoned car and I’ll kill you myself.

xo Mom

Nov 21

10 Comments

School: A Diatribe

Ok, so I’ve got one year before Loch starts Kindergarten and it’s already keeping me up nights. You want to do right by your children. You want them to have every possible opportunity. To have all doors open to them and to feel that they can be and do anything. But the reality of the situation is less optimistic. Time Magazine recently ran an article, well, really the entire issue was in some way devoted to, education and upward mobility. The cover read: Can You Still Move Up in America? The answer was, maybe not. America has been billed as, and until recently was, the land of opportunity. A place where, with enough work, anyone from anywhere could succeed. But today’s  statistics are showing us that’s not necessarily the truth. The divide between the have and have nots is becoming increasingly difficult to overcome. Those who have will continue to have, and those who don’t will continue to struggle. It’s the bankers getting their bonuses while the economy tanks on their watch mentality. In many ways this divide is the root of the Occupy Wall Street protests that are going on right now. To paraphrase the 1976 film, Network, people are mad as hell and they aren’t going to take it any more.

The thing is, having been blessed enough to be born in a particular socio-economic group, I never really thought about the economy the way I do now that I’m a parent trying to navigate the world for my child.  It’s different than it was when I graduated from High School and, as much as I feel old, that wasn’t that long ago. A subsequent article in the same Time Magazine titled “When will we Learn?” claims that the education system in the US  is, for all intents and purposes, broken. Education, which used to be the foundation of life improvement is now one of the country’s dividing forces. The article begins by referencing the recent death of Steve Jobs and what a remarkable journey he had from the “adopted son of working class parents, who dropped out of college to become one of the great technologists and businessmen of our time.” They go on to say that he was, obviously, an “extraordinary individual” but that his opportunities and first rate public education in Cupertino, CA gave him “a grounding in both the liberal arts and technology” and “did the same for Steve Wozniak, the more technically oriented co-founder of Apple, who Jobs met at the same school.” When Steve Jobs graduated from High School in 1972 California public schools were rated the “finest in the country – well funded, well run with excellent teachers”. These schools were the “engines of social mobility that took people like Jobs and Wozniak and gave them an educational grounding that helped them rise.” ^

Today, California schools rate at the bottom of the country just as the US “sits at the bottom of the industrialized world by most measures of educational advancement.” The World Economic Forum ranks the US educational system 26th in the world. This might hardly be news to some, but to a first time mother getting ready to put her only child into school, it came as quite a shock.

Living in California, particlularly Los Angeles, I always said there was no way my child was going to public High School. Even without research it is widely known that most High Schools are terrible, overcrowded and out of date. The teacher’s unions are incredibly strong and while I’m all for unions, it’s almost impossible to fire incompetent teachers and quality teachers are not supported the way they should be. It is hard not to talk about the issue of educational problems without also touching on the issue of illegal immigrants and the subsequent drain on the school system that directly relates to that. I realize this is a hot button issue but with so many of my peers feeling refusing to send their kids to the local school I know I’m not alone in referencing it. Our local High School is 68.8% Hispanic. Many classes are even taught in Spanish (or partial Spanish) to make it easier for the majority of the student body. It is rated the 700th school in California. In 2000 the student body was 34% white and 8.4% African American and now it’s 19% and 4.7% respectively, with statistics continuing to drop.* With Governor Jerry Brown recently signing legislation that allows illegal immigrants who have gone through the California public system access to state aid for college, what would stop people who don’t pay taxes from continuing to send their children to the local (and tax payer funded) schools? In a world where you can’t even hope to move up without a College Education, your High School education is paramount, and the way things are now it’s put a lot of pressure on the parents to go Private/Independent.

Some light bedside reading...

Now I went to a private school in Canada from Grade 6 though Grade 13. (High School was 5 years back in my day and has since been phased out.) When I started it was around 7-9k a year, when I graduated it was more in the 11-13K range. Today, that same school is 28K a year. That’s pretty much the going rate down in LA too. Seriously?! $30,000 a year!?! That price freezes so many people out. Honestly, if we had more than one child, it wouldn’t even be up for discussion. One of my dearest friends went to my school from PreK through grade 13 and is now the Kindergarten teacher there. She says it’s not like it was. Regular white collar people are no longer the “norm”. It’s not “professional’s” kids so much as millionaire banker and sport’s star kids. It’s a totally different vibe. But with the public education system being what it is, what’s the alternative?

Lately I’ve been trying to navigate (read: understand) the exceptionally complicated Magnet and Charter schools that are in my vicinity. They are essentially public schools with either a hard focus on particular subjects like computers, pre-med, or preforming arts; or they are schools that have petitioned to be able to deviate (even slightly) from the standardized education mandated by the state.  They can, for example, add a second language class or a drama class if the board agrees, and as long as they still hit all the decided upon benchmarks. These schools are considered exponentially better than “regular” public school and they’re mad tricky to get into. There’s a lotto based on a point system that I am still trying to comprehend. The benchmarks are essentially from the Bush implemented “No Child Left Behind” mandate that tied school subsidies to student scores on standardized testing. It’s forced teachers to teach towards the tests but it’s not really helping our children’s minds grow, or fostering a love of learning. If you focus only on tests you miss out on so many other fascinating things to learn. You create teachers that can’t implement their own ideas or use their strengths or imaginations to expand their curriculum and you create students under a constant state of stress who lack creativity. A recent article in Parenting magazine called “Is your child creative enough” claimed that in the world of standardized testing (which now more than half the states begin in kindergarden) “learning becomes about following instructions. Children aren’t given the opportunity to express their own ideas or come up with their own way of doing things. Instead, the answer is A, B or C. There is only one answer.” ** The Parenting article stresses that limiting thinking like that will be detrimental to our future generations. Our children will face “a universe of rapidly evolving technology, an ever shifting global economy and health and environmental challenges that will require plenty of creative thinking” *** If our schools are teaching the opposite, we will only continue to underperform on the world stage. And please, for the love of God, stop focusing only on Math & Science to the exclusion of everything else. Creative and divergent thinking is the backbone of entrepreneurial ship and it’s the entrepreneurs that will help raise the country back up.

I read an article last year about how boys are falling through the cracks in many public schools because of the absence of recess and the phasing out of Physical Eduction to make time for more study. Due to the fact that boys brains mature slower than girls, they are unable to sit and concentrate at the same level as their female peers until around 3rd grade. They need more time to blow off steam. They need to move around more. They need breaks. With recess missing and the emphasis on focused study starting in the 1st grade, research is finding many young boys acting out. Unable to concentrate for as long as expected they cause disturbances and are often pegged as “bad eggs” or “problem children”. Many are even dubbed ADD/ADHD and are subsequently medicated for it. By the time these boys get to the age to really sit still and study, they are already “over” school. They are disinterested or disengaged. They don’t like it, and who can blame them?

Knowing all these facts I am determined that this will not be my son’s fate. I want him to love school. To love learning. To feel from the beginning of his scholastic journey that he wants to be there, and subsequently be able to get the most out of it he can. He might not even be conscious of it, but if he likes going to school he’ll most likely thrive. I don’t think he’ll feel like that in a school where he’s one of 38 kids in a class. Or when his teacher isn’t speaking his language. It can’t be at a school that prizes standardized testing above real learning and I don’t want him at a school that, like my local school, looks like a prison of grey cinderblock and almost no windows. He needs to be in an inviting, positive environment that teaches how to do what’s expected of you but also rewards out of the box thinking. He needs enough time to stretch his legs and his mind. He needs every opportunity we can give him.

This book is giving me palpitations. I need to know more senators for recommendation letters.

So, we’re going private. We talked seriously about picking up and moving just to get into one of the quality elementary districts (there are some) but we’d have to buy a house that we currently can’t afford. As it stands right now I’ll have to pay, essentially, a college tuition per year to ensure my child can compete. In the hope that he won’t get lost. So now, he has to be accepted (with interviews, observations, parental interviews, letters of recommendation from your pre-school director and any one else important you could get) and we’ll have to figure out how to pay for it. You’d think in our current situation we would qualify for financial aid, but in some schools having limited funds isn’t the only requirement. Some schools require you also be in a large and unmanageable amount of debt. In that case, We’d be better off buying a house we couldn’t afford or buying cars we shouldn’t, just to qualify for aid. That, or be a single parent. As one of my happily married friend’s said, “I’d be better off getting divorced and doing this as a single mother or putting on that renovation we wanted but couldn’t afford. I feel like I’m being punished for not screwing up my life.”

As an alternative, I went to look at a more reasonably priced private school that’s subsidized by the church. It was good. Nice. It was a place that, should I not qualify for financial aid or should Loch not be one of the 34% (!!!) accepted to private school in LA, I could see him going. The sad thing is, it wasn’t special. It’s 10K a year for what I remember public school being like 20 years ago. What you would expect from a school. Good, basic classrooms (maybe a little tired). Middle aged, female teachers (also maybe a little tired). But, generally, a welcoming, kind place for your child to go. They also seem to have good placement in quality (private) High Schools which give your child a better chance of getting into a quality college.

The bottom line is, it’s a cluster f^#@. America has made a major mistake somewhere. California has made major mistakes. And I know many in Canada might feel the same. We seem to protect the rich and aid the poor but I think we’ve forgotten about the middle. Quality education is the cornerstone of improving your situation. But if we’re not rich enough to afford the good schools and not poor enough to qualify for financial aid, where does that leave us?

I know I’ll eventually find Loch a terrific school to stimulate his mind, but really, it shouldn’t be this hard. My child is 3 1/2 and I’m panicking about his path to college.

The sad thing is, it’ll make a difference that I did.

^ Time Magazine, November 14, 2001 “When Will We Learn”, Fareed Zakaria

*www.schooldigger.com

** Jennifer Keys Adair, Ph.D., University of Texas at Austin in Parenting Magazine, Dec/Jan 2012

*** Carolina A. Miranda “Is your child creative enough?” for Parenting Magazine, Dec/Jan 2012

Nov 14

10 Comments

Good Night My Angel

Dear Lochie,

You are 3 1/2 and I just left your bedroom where you fell asleep in my arms. You’ve never done that before. Not even when you were a little baby. I hadn’t seen you all day. Mondays are my day to work. Dad takes you for the day. You go to your co-op preschool in the morning (9-12), have a picnic in the park and then go to your other preschool in the afternoon (1-4). I got home from acupuncture and while your Dad prepared dinner (take note, this will make your future wife very happy), we played ‘Winter’ for about 10 minutes. We made “snowmen” and “snow balls” and “snow angels” in our imaginary snow and then we ate. You told me about your day. How you’d played fireman and carwash, and how at your “old school” (the co-op) you now have your own box with your name on it. With such pride you told me. “It’s black on top and grey on the bottom!!”. I know you’re working on books with the other “graduates” that the parents will get at the end of the year. You told me you are getting ready for kindergarden. You don’t understand yet that you are younger than all your friends and still have another year of preschool before you get to kindergarden. It’s ok. It’ll be nice that you are one of the oldest when you start. It’s just too bad that all your friends now will be a grade ahead of you. That’ll matter for a while…

But I’m off topic. After dinner daddy went to work in the office and you and I played ‘Seasons’. We did a highlight from every month and acted it out. October, Daddy’s birthday. November, Thanksgiving/raking and throwing leaves. December, Christmas!!! January, New Years. February, Lochie’s Birthday, etc… By the time we were at the cottage in August it was time to brush your teeth. You still don’t dig our grown up toothpaste but your teeth look so much better that I can deal with the complaints. We went to bed. One story became two, two became three, and my insistence that I wasn’t going to snuggle was abandoned when I realized that I WANTED to snuggle. I hadn’t seen you all day! I got my iPhone and played you some quiet songs. We’d never done that before and I think we both loved it. You took my arm and wrapped it around you and that was it. You just drifted off to sleep. I could smell your just showered head of hair which is somehow already messed up. I could feel your little ribs going up and down. Your tiny lips were on the back of my hand as you’d given it a kiss when you wrapped my arm around you, and I just didn’t want to move. Often when we snuggle I go to get up and you say “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave”. Because I’m sick I always read into that. I know in my head that you are just a kid wanting his mom to stay, but my fear sometimes gets the best of me and I think maybe you’re a sage, and because of your purity you know something I don’t. I worry that I am going somewhere and you are asking me not to.

I promise you this Loch. If I can help it, I am staying. I love my life. I love you and Daddy. I love the sun and the water and the cottage and my parents and our family. I love traveling. I love going out to dinner. I love Christmas and my birthday. I love your birthday. I love the sound of your voice and being in your daddy’s arms. I love laughing and being with friends. I love alone time and reading. I even love television and shopping. I love being alive. I want so much to live. Selfishly though, I want to live as me. Not as some marginalized version of myself. I know I can’t do all I would like anymore, and even precious young you knows I have “bad lungs”, but I am still me. I don’t have to deal with so much that people who have PH have to deal with. I have no oxygen tank. I have no heart cathitar. I look, for all intensive purposes, normal and healthy. But I’m greedy. I want to stay like that. I want my life AND I want to recognize the person in the mirror.

I want you to know me as I am now. I hope you do. I want you to know that I love swinging you around and giving you piggy backs and being your “horse”. I wish I could do it more. I love being with you and making up games and voices and songs. I can’t stop kissing and hugging you and I’ve already taught you that three hand squeezes means “I. Love. You.”. I love being your mom. You are the center of my universe. If I do get sicker you won’t know this version of me and that scares me. If I should die you’re too young to really remember me at all and that devastates me. I don’t want to be just a picture in a frame.

It’s not fair Loch. It’s not fair your mom’s sick. But I’m grateful. So grateful to have this time with you. Every day is a blessing. I know that in my head even though it’s often hard to see through the sadness in my heart or the anger in my gut. Every day I have is a gift and I’m doing my best not to squander it. I’m still someone who cares about my weight and yells at automated systems. I’m not perfect or calm or zen. I do, however, have perspective on the frailty of life that gives me clarity on what’s important.

Try and get that perspective in your life without the sick part. Focus on what’s really significant. Spend the time with those you love. Send cards on people’s birthdays. Contact friends you’re thinking of. Be positive when it’s easier to be negative. Try as hard as you can to really live without taking unnecessary chances with your life. Make smart choices. Life is amazing. Respect it.

And if your child one day wants you to stay in bed with him until he falls asleep, even if you know it’s probably better if you stick to the rules… Do it. It’s worth it.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde

I love you.

xo Mom

Nov 7

11 Comments

Childhood

Dear Loch,

Man, did I have a great childhood. Really. Idyllic. I was, like yourself, an unplanned only child. Meaning we planned to have more but couldn’t, not that you were a surprise. Though I missed the, real or imagined, joys of sibling-hood, I had all the perks that come with being an Only. It is a luxury to be just one. The biggest perk – and what people see as the breeder of bad behavior – is you don’t have to share. I had my parent’s undivided attention. They were always available to me. They drove me to and from. They came to see my games and plays. They were there every step of the way through school. I was the sole focus and it was amazing. There were other perks too: I got to go to great schools; I came out of University/Grad School/Theatre Conservatory debt free (!!); my summer job as a camp councilor was more fun than work; and I  got to travel the world – a lot. Having just one child allowed my parents to expose me to so much more than they could have with more children. It also allowed me the opportunity to really get to know them. Since it was just the 3 of us, I confided in them more than most – let’s be honest, I told them everything – and they handled it beautifully. Rarely judging, mostly listening. It’s a special relationship – the only child and parents – and one I’m very grateful for. It’s the main thing your dad and I fall back on when we feel sad we can’t give you siblings.

Only children are kinda spoiled too. I’d be lying to say that wasn’t also a major perk.

The thing about childhood is that it’s fleeting. And it only seems to be getting shorter as the years go by. The things 10-year-olds know these days blow my mind. I know when you’re little you just want to be grown up but let me tell you, grown up is a lot of work. Be young for as long as you can baby. I’m not advocating the Peter Pan syndrome. It’s not cute to be a man-child. But when you’re a kid, be a kid. When you’re a teenager, don’t wish the years away. I don’t even have to tell you not to rush College, because by then you’ll realize how incredible these years are and you’ll milk every moment.

I’m planning on cruise directing your childhood but if I’m not here in person to do that, here’s what I want for you:

Enjoy the Little Things – Having children is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself. They allow you to re-experience the newness of life. Right now everything is amazing to you. Even things you’ve done a million times  – like drive a boat – still delight you. I find myself looking at the world through your eyes and getting so much out of it. Even when you’re not with me, I find myself pointing out things I wouldn’t have even noticed before. “Look! A train!” It makes your dad laugh. I realize I see the world now with so much more awe. It’s an unjaded way of being and it’s wonderful. Hang onto that for as long as you can. The world is magnificent. A huge spider in a web. The way a bunch of rocks come together. A stream. A sunset. The moon… Right now it all thrills you and it thrills those of us around you. We are always trying to find new things to show you. To excite you. Even when you’re off making your own plans, keep doing that. Don’t lose the wonder you had as a child.

Relish your Traditions – I can’t decorate the house enough for holidays. You get such joy out of it. The big spiders and webs and pumpkins for Halloween. The tree and all the fixings that come with Christmas. The eggs and bunnies that (tastefully) take over our house at Easter. We even have St. Paddy’s Day decorations. Every season is special and each one comes with it’s own traditions. Embrace that. Enjoy the songs, movies, food and activities that come with each special time. Relish the favorites year after year. I have to watch White Christmas, decorate the tree and listen to Bony M for it to really feel like Christmas. I like a round, fat, tall tree. One year Granny and Granddad bought a little, short, scrawny tree while I was at University and I got home and burst into tears. They’d chosen the wrong tree! AND, they’d done it without me! They were trying to be efficient. But for me, it was like stealing part of my Christmas. I’m embarrassed (and proud) to say we EXCHANGED the tree on December 23rd. I picked the “perfect” tree and got to decorate it with my parents. Extreme, yes, but traditions are important. For your Dad, Christmas is watching It’s a Wonderful Life and new Christmas Eve jammies with Gigi (used to be GK) reading ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. For you it might be The Polar Express and building an Architectural Digest worthy gingerbread house with your Dad. Whatever it is, fall into the comfort of tradition repetition. It allows you to relive your childhood year after year. As you get older you’ll have to blend traditions. But if your traditions mean enough to you, others will respect and accept them too. My birthday always has cake (specifically lemon) and your Dad’s always had all his cards stuck to his door. Now when our birthdays roll around, he bakes and I get serious about sticking mail to the wall…

Believe – In magic. In possibilities. In yourself. Believe that you can do anything, be anyone. Believe that the world is good and that all people are equal. Being a child – if you’re raised right – comes with optimism. To a child everything is possible and there are no limits. You say you want to be an astronaut and everyone supports you. Heck, you say you want to be a fire truck and that’s good too. If you can dream it, it’s possible. Magic exists everywhere. Magicians fill you with wonder. Your dad is the strongest man alive. Santa comes to your house… I’m a big believer in this one. By the time you read this I’m sure you’ll know the truth, but I want you to know I never saw it as a lie. Allowing you to believe in something wonderful and happy that fills you with joy is a gift. I’ll never forget when Alison Bokle told me Santa wasn’t real. I was in Grade 2. Mrs. Felker’s class. Her brother told her and she told me. My head swam. I told her she was wrong. I told her he’d written me a note. She said my parents had written the note. My brain almost exploded. I turned away from her and walked right off the playground and all the way home. (Nice security 1982!)  When my shocked mother opened the door I wouldn’t let her speak. I said, “Is there, or is there not, a Santa Clause?” The look on her face told me all I needed to know and I was devastated. I didn’t go back to school that day I was too busy crying (deduction had also shattered my belief in the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy). But despite how crushed I was, I wouldn’t give up those years of believing for anything. Going to sleep on Christmas Eve. Waking up in the morning knowing he’d been there. That pure pleasure. I wanted that for you Loch. And to be quite honest, I wanted it for me. I wanted to create that illusion for you. To this day I kinda still believe in Santa…even if it’s just in the etherial magic of Christmas, and not an actual man that fits down my chimney. I think I’m a better person for it.

Limit your Judgement – It isn’t till you’re a bit older that you start to notice people’s differences with any judgement. There’s a little boy who lives near us with an undeveloped arm and 2 fingers and a thumb. You’ve noticed but it doesn’t affect how you feel about him. You ask why people are in wheel chairs but don’t think differently of them. I’m not even sure if you’ve become aware of  the difference in skin color yet. It’s such a wonderful time and one that sadly we lose the quickest. You can’t help what society will expose you too but you can remember that there was a time when you looked at others with no preconceived notion. A time where you liked and judged people on how they treated you and not on how they looked or who they were. Choose not like someone because they’re a jerk not because they’re a color.

Try New Things – When you’re young you have to try new things all the time because everything is new. New food. New places. New sports. New schools. Enjoy the ‘try me’ years. Experiment with everything that inspires you. You may not be good at, or like everything, but if you don’t try you won’t know. I did 2 student exchanges in Middle School. The first was a horrible bust where the girl and I were so astoundingly different that all we had in common was our gender. Her family lived on the outskirts of Boston so even though it was a “Boston Exchange” I never saw the city. Other than school I never saw anyone. Her brothers spit on me, her mother forgot to pack me a lunch and it was just generally miserable in her house. Not wanting to blanket judge all exchanges, I wrote it off as a single bad experience and tried an exchange again in Grade 8. Ironically, it was equally, if not more, terrible. Luck had drawn me essentially the same girl but this one spoke no English. I hated every minute of it. But, with hindsight, I’m proud to say I did it. It, unlike bad skin, is one of those experiences that actually made me stronger. Better, for the bad. I wasn’t afraid to take a risk. As we age we get more stuck in our ways and are less likely to branch out. Try things now. And even if they don’t work out (and you have to learn to say “I want to go home” in a foreign language) you’ll have grown. And that kind of growth is great.

Be open with your love – You tell me you love me all the time right now. You love holding my hand and snuggling. Children are gregarious with their love because they do very little self editing. They aren’t worried about how they are being perceived. I’m dreading the time when you no longer want to hug and kiss me. When having me around is a thorn in your side. Try not to get too self aware if you can help it. I went through a distinct “parent embarrassment” period where I wanted to be dropped off a block from the party at all times. You’ll know you’re really grown up when you no longer care about things like that, and getting dropped off at the front door of an event by your parents is awesome. Less walking! No cab fare! Take the same lesson to heart when dealing with girlfriends. Physical affection is a lovely thing to offer those you care for. Don’t be crazy PDA guy – he’s gross – but don’t withhold either. Who cares what others think. If you want to hold her hand, hold it. And if you wanna hold mine…I can think of nothing better.

Be a Joiner, Be a Doer, Be a Leader – You don’t have to join everything just get out there. Open up your mind. Make new friends. A Doer is essentially someone who’s not lazy. Enjoy the energy and freedom of your youth and get involved with people, things and causes you’re interested in. Work takes over so much of your adult years. Do the things you want while you have the time to do them. And you can choose to be a leader or not, just don’t be a follower. Followers give up too much of their power. They put their needs and feelings in someone else’s hands. It’s more responsibility to make your own decisions. More work to stand up for yourself rather than behind another. But if you make that choice you’ll never feel like a spectator in your own life and there is something real to be said for that.

Enjoy your Summers–  I know most of the other things are abstract but I’m going to get kinda specific with this one. Summers are special, holy even, in the world of a child. The days get longer and the nights shorter. You can be outside well past your bedtime. Popcicles and freezies are everywhere. Friends and parents are available more. There’s no school. I can’t even fathom this concept of year round school or starting the year mid August. That’s ridiculous. Summer is what fuels you for the rest of the year.

Lochlan, It is my plan that you spend at least 6 weeks of every summer in Canada. I was blessed enough to grow up summering in Ontario. Being at the cottage. Going to camp. I can’t express how happy those experiences made me or how instrumental they were to who I am. If you grow up and want to spend the summers with your friends in California, at surf camp or whatever, I totally understand. But please try to spend some time in Canada. Maybe 2 weeks at the cottage and a month at camp? It’s my hope that you’ll love it as much as I did and look forward to it all year. The friends and memories I have from my childhood summers are some of my strongest. Your cottage is the last of the great outdoors, and there is something exceptional about spending your summers in the wilderness surrounded by throngs of happy, healthy, young people. I even say that with the full knowledge that you’ll probably cease all contact with me during those days, as people as old as your parents don’t exist when you’re in the world of camp.

Watch the sun set. Dive into a lake on a boiling hot day. Go skinny dipping on a warm night. Drive the boats or wakeboard behind them. Sing songs. Do skits. Party in the evenings when the sun sets but the heat stays. Paddle a canoe. Read a book by the fire. Your dad and I are agreed, just as my parents always were, that no TV will ever be at the cottage. It was there I learned to love reading. It was there that you could really appreciate the night. The sounds, the stars…Life is so connected that it’s a real luxury to go somewhere that, for all intensive purposes, you’re off grid.  We broke down last year and got a DVD projector for the occasional movie, but it’s a treat and not the norm. I hope it remains that way for you. That goes the same for game systems…

Finally, Have Fun and Don’t worry – Ride your bike, read comics, play ridiculous games with your friends, try new things, douse yourself in silly string, stay up all night playing video games, make a rally cry with your team, do crazy dances to make someone laugh, wear costumes…do all those silly, fun, yes, childish things. Because darling, you’re a child and you deserve to be light. Stress free. Try not to worry. Worry is for adults. For parents. What you can do is respect the worry. Know that we worry for real reasons, and because we want you safe and happy. Be responsible. Make smart choices. Call when you get there not because you’re told to, but because you understand why we need you to. But ultimately leave the stress to us. There’s lots of time to be serious. Childhood isn’t one of them.

You said to me the other day, “Kids don’t always get what they want, do they Mommy?” I told you that adults don’t always get what they want either. Life doesn’t work like that. We do the best we can to line up our realities with our dreams, and all too often we have to adjust. As a child, especially a child as blessed as you, that’s a foreign concept. Right now, aside from things like the candy apple you asked for in bed a couple days ago, you have very few disappointments. If it could be like that forever I’m not sure it would make you a better man. Some disappointments are necessary to make us stronger and less vulnerable, to clarify our values and desires. I want you to have as close to a perfect life as possible without ending up clueless. But I also want you to grow into a man that can handle being a grown up without losing the joy he had as a child.

If for nothing else, it’ll make you a great parent.

xo Mom

Oct 31

6 Comments

Fear

Living with your potential death over your head is enough to cause fear in anyone, but I had issues with fear long before that. I’m a terrible flyer. Really terrible. Didn’t use to be. Loved flying till I was 18. I think it was a combination of age making me more aware of what I had to lose, a genetically predisposed phobia/learned behavior (I’d been watching my mom clutch my dad’s hand on planes since I was a child) and a trigger incident. On a flight to Dominican Republic for my grad trip something went awry. It was so much turbulence that the oxygen masks released and the prettiest girl in my school passed out and peed her pants…the things that make an impression, right? I remember thinking the flight was freaky. Not scary. Just bizarre. But for the whole week of the trip I had dreams of standing on the ground and watching my plane crash. Night after night I watched my plane crash into the ocean. It was awful. By the time I got on the flight home I’d developed some real anxiety and I’ve gotten progressively worse ever since. These days when I get into a plane my blood pressure skyrockets. I wait till the last minute to get on. I have to touch the outside of the plane as I board. Superstitiously, I used to have to eat peanut M&M’s and have a ginger ale, but now I have to take xynax just to function. I grab at the seat in front of me like it’s going to stop me from falling. I plug my ears and fold over onto my lap to pretend I’m not there. I cry and shake during turbulence. It’s ridiculous. On my last bad flight they actually moved the guy beside me and sat a flight attendant in his place. She was lovely but I wonder how bad I’ve become that the flight crew felt that was a necessary precaution.

If it was just flying I’d think I was normal. But lately I’ve found myself overloaded with fear. It’s discouraging and unfortunately, relatively justified. We just passed the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 and I recently watched the 9/11 Documentary shot by the 2 French filmmakers who were at ground zero at the time.  I lived in NYC on 9/11. In the heart of the West Village at 14th & 8th. I was lucky enough to be in Toronto that day visiting my parents. I was scheduled to fly back to New York on 9/12. Needless to say I didn’t. My cousin called me after the first tower had been hit. I sat in shock watching it burn and saw the second plane fly into Tower 2 in real time. I couldn’t reach anyone in New York on the phone to see if they were ok. All I could do was watch the events unfold. When the buildings eventually collapsed, I cried so hard. I cried for all the people that were lost, for the fear they must have felt before they died and for a future in which that kind of atrocity existed.

I remember when I was 9 or 10 and I first learned about nuclear bombs. I ran crying to my room but didn’t want to be alone, so I ended up collapsed half way up the stairs weeping inconsolably. I feel the same way about it today (peppered with more anger). Why would we create such a thing? Why are people stockpiling them? Why would you launch one? It literally makes no sense to me. No one wins. You launch at us. We launch at you. Everybody loses. It’s over.

I mistakenly read Cormac McCarthy’s post apocalyptic novel ‘The Road’ because it had such terrific reviews. Winner of the Pulitzer Prize. Oprah book club choice. NY Times best seller… It was a brilliant book and I loathed it. I could tangibly feel the bleakness and despair of his atomic bomb world. The dust and debris blocking out the sun more than a decade after the fact. An earth without color or warmth. A planet without animals or birds or fish or plants. No sounds other than human agony or the collapsing of old infrastructure. I was traumatized by the world Mr. McCarthy painted. I kept reading in hopes of the redemption that never came. I am scarred by that book. By the possibility of such a future. If anything though it made me appreciate our world more. The colors. The sounds. The beauty. I hope against hope that man really is smarter than history shows him to be. That there’s a possibility we can go the other way. Pull ourselves back from the brink and do good by our future.

The problem is, even when I feel I can go forward believing the best in man, I read an article like the recent cover story of Newsweek, “Are you ready for more?”  and I throw my hands up. The article is about killer storms. It basically says we shouldn’t be worried about man we should be worried about nature. It explains that with all our climate change and environmental damage, we are looking at a future of more and more natural disasters. Horrors that make Katrina look like a blip. It doesn’t matter where you go, no one is safe from the increasingly prevalent and treacherous storms. What the *@#^?! And I can’t say living in California helps. After the earthquake in Japan I had a bit of a melt down. I told Sean that I thought we should move (we didn’t), that I thought we were next (Japan was again), that we weren’t properly prepared (we weren’t). So, we spent a fortune on Disaster kits and I tried to teach my 3 year old what to do in case of an earthquake – where to lie (near a big piece of furniture to hope to capitalize on the “negative space” rule when your roof falls in); how to cover your head to protect it from falling debris and glass; to stay away from windows and chimneys – I still panic when my car stops under a bridge. I often wait before the bridge, instead of moving up and under, much to the chagrin of the cars behind me. Trying to be helpful, Sean told me it won’t be the earthquake that gets most people it’ll be the tsunami that follows. He thinks that’s good news because we live in the valley and not by the ocean. All it did was serve to make my summer visits to the beach more stressful.

I don’t think I’m alone in feeling gripped by fear. I worry about drunk drivers and child molesters.  I worry when Sean goes away without me.  I worry about the prevalence of drugs available to my child. I worry about predators. I worry about war. I worry about the economy and China owning us. I worry about dying young and leaving my kid without a mom. I worry all the time and it makes me a drag. I envy my husband and his endless optimism. He lives seemingly without fear. He just sees the best case scenario and functions with that knowledge. I’m lucky to live in close proximity to such a force. I can only hope Loch takes after him.

After all, what do they say… Worry doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles; it just takes away today’s peace.

Oct 24

11 Comments

A Mother’s Contribution

Ok, so after some feedback on my post regarding my feelings of failure for having nothing to show for myself and my days but random errands, I would like to clarify that I in no way under value my role as a mother. I am aware of the positive contribution I’m making to both my son’s life and to society as a whole by creating a kind and loving person who might someday add to the world. Being a mom is no joke and whether you are a stay at home mom or a working mom I believe it is truly the most important job you can have. That being said however, motherhood, though infinitely rewarding, can also be totally thankless. Your life quickly becomes reflected solely in your child’s contribution to the world. If your son is behaving like an angel you can feel good about yourself because obviously you are an excellent mother. If, however, your little angel is acting like a total brat – God forbid in public – then you can kiss your feelings of self worth good bye because you are clearly blowing it.  For those mothers who are completely fulfilled by raising their children I say kudos. It’s certainly a real job and doing it should be enough. I’m just finding it’s not enough for me.

I think these feelings stem from a combination of things. How I was raised and the expectations, real or imagined, that come with that. How I want to be living and the difficulty of those dreams culminating realistically in today’s world and, my personality – charming or otherwise – that is constantly striving to be “better”. I grew up in what I would refer to as a post-feminist world. A world where I didn’t fight for equal rights but expected them. A time were statistically a woman’s paycheck may still be less than a man’s, but theoretically I could do whatever a man could. I was raised in the “have it all” generation. I could have a successful and rewarding career and still be a amazing hands-on mother. All career paths were open to me and the sky was the limit. I used to worship this amazing mom that lived down the street. She was a gorgeous, successful lawyer with 2 kids and a great marriage. I babysat for them and I thought, that is the type of woman I want to be. When she quit her job to stay home with her kids full time it almost killed me. What was she doing? When they moved out of the city to to be able to afford a bigger place I was floored. Just go back to work and get a bigger place in the city! What was going on with my role model? She was really letting me down.

As a grown woman I now understand. We can’t have it all. Or maybe we can, but not all at the same time. We have to make sacrifices along with our choices, and that’s something they don’t teach in school. I went to a top notch, private, all girls school where I was exposed to infinite opportunities and almost limitless possibilities for my life. I excelled there. I was a student leader and debater, the lead in plays and the captain of the swim team. It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t “make” it. My mom used to joke that I better marry someone really wealthy to keep up the lifestyle  to which I’d become accustomed. I was insulted. Marry rich?! ! Please! I was going to be rich and successful myself!  Coming from my kind of background, if you don’t end up with a really awesome job – the corner office, the medical degree or, in my case, as a Hollywood player – you can feel like a failure. You had every opportunity and you squandered it. I’m not rich and successful yet, so I beat myself up. I push harder and often find it difficult to truly enjoy my life because I feel like I’m not moving forward. Stay at home mom was not a Career. Capital C. It was something our mother’s did when the options were limited. We were the new generation. We could be anything. We could be Someone. I’m not Someone, so I sometimes feel like a no one.

Maybe it’s just a no win situation. Stay-at-home mom’s feel like they should be working. Working mom’s feel like they should be home more. You want kids but don’t have the right partner or you have the right partner but don’t want kids and then feel you have to apologize for that…

I have lots of friends who love their jobs but are still struggling financially. Maybe they’re happy or maybe they beat themselves up too. Of that I’m not sure. What I do know is, for the most part, we all want what we had growing up…plus more. We want it to be better for our children than it was for us. Problem is, it’s a lot more expensive to have the basics these days, let alone more. Things you want for your children – a nice home, top notch education, food, hell…organic food, enrichment classes, college, let alone all the stuff these kids need today – costs money. If you aren’t making money you feel you aren’t contributing. So many people have 2 working parents just to keep up with the bills and expectations they have for themselves. People are mortgaged to the hilt to live the lifestyle they grew up with or the lifestyle they think they need. When the economy fell apart in the US 2 years ago, it was the first time Sean and I were relieved to be behind the 8 ball. We had no 401 K to deplete, no house to lose, no stock portfolio to tank. Life as an actor is already feast or famine so the job market remained about the same for us. When you live like that and you have 7 years of post graduate studies on your resume you feel like an loser that you aren’t contributing. And contributing in today’s world means making money. Being Someone means having a Career or at least a job. I feel more successful saying I’m a writer than I do saying I’m a mom. What does that say about me?

I love being a mom. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m proud of myself. I’m exceptionally proud of my son. But am I reaching my full potential? I don’t want my sense of self worth to be totally tied up in him. I don’t want his success in life to be a direct reflection of my success in life.  That’s not fair to him or to me. I need something that is all mine. Something that makes me, me. And I’m still looking for it. When I find it I think I’ll feel more complete. When I find it, quite frankly, I think I’ll be a better mom.

Then I’ll tell him to marry rich.

Cassie Pappas Photography

Oct 17

2 Comments

Genetics

Dear Loch,

So, obviously you are a genetic make up of two very distinct people, and there are things that I hope you get from me and things I hope you inherit from your father. Looking at you now you definitely seem to be a nice blend of the two of us but here are my wishes:

Eyesight: I hope you get mine. I have been blessed all my life with perfect, nay, better than perfect vision. 25/20. Granny and Granddad both wore and continue to wear glasses, so genetically I dodged a bullet. Enter eyesight joke here. Your dad on the other hand has been wearing glasses since he was not much bigger than you. Every school picture till he was in the 9th Grade is in these huge Navy issued coke bottle glasses. He was adorable but, with his glasses, he looked…nerdy. Now there is nothing wrong with being nerdy, it’s one of your father’s best qualities, but there is no need for you to look that way. If it comes around that you have your father’s visual impairment then we will find the coolest glasses available, and when and if you want them, we’ll get you contacts. There is no 4 eyes world anymore. Glasses are hot. Your dad got new glasses last year and we’re referring to them as “geek chic” as everyone from Justin Beiber to Demi Moore is sporting them. Personally, I think he looks so sexy in them. Really.

Sexy dad is gross you say? Fine, but my point is glasses can be cool. Find a way to make a statement and have fun with it. Or, have the future equivalent of lasik and be done with it. Just own it.

Teeth: Mine.  No braces per say. I was missing a 12 year old molar in the top left of my mouth and they had to do some fancy, never-been-done-before surgery to pull my one and only wisdom tooth into it’s place (In dental text books, I’m kind of a big deal). I had to wear 3 bracket braces to keep the new tooth from shifting, but over all, straight teeth right across the board with no help from orthodontics. Your dad on the other had braces top, bottom and all the way back. After that he wore a retainer (something I used to think was so cool that I tried on my best friend’s sisters all the time in grade 6) but not enough to stop his bottom teeth from shifting and now he’s 30 something considering braces again. Lesson here: WEAR YOUR RETAINER. In this case, don’t be like your father. If I’m around I’ll nag you. If I’m not, consider yourself nagged. Maybe you’ll need nothing at all, but if you do, suck it up. Get the strongest thing that will take the least amount of time and consider it an investment in your future face.

Look Ma, no braces!

Also: BRUSH. You’re not crazy about it now but I’m serious. Morning and night. And floss if you can. I never really did unless there was something stuck (strawberry seeds, what’s with you?!) but I should have. And if you’re going to ignore any of my advice let it be the flossing. I could go either way on that.

Skin: Dad’s. This is a big one for me and I’m very emotional about it. It has always been my hope that you absolutely inherit your dad’s skin. I think he’s had a total of 8 zits in his whole life. His pores are invisible. He has no dryness. No oiliness. His skin is as close to perfect as you could hope to get without being a porcelain doll or Nicole Kidman. Me on the other hand, I had a really tough time with my skin. I still do. From puberty on I had acne. Not horrifying Accutane before picture acne (my heart goes out to those people) but bad enough that it dictated a lot about how I felt about myself. I was also one of the only one of my friends with a problem, and that made it even harder. I can remember crying my eyes out in the dressing room of a store before my first formal dance because I couldn’t find a dress that covered my backacne. I was constantly self conscious. I learned about makeup really early (something you won’t be able to do as much) and got up earlier than most just to have time to put on “my face”. To this day I can’t leave the house without makeup. These days I still have acne and I’m starting to deal with aging too. It’s bulls@#t and I don’t want you to have any part of it.

If you do, deal with it ASAP. Even if you aren’t noticing anything, deal with it knowing that you carry half my genes. Wash your face every night if you can. With soap (or cleanser). Use sunscreen. That’s a given in today’s ozone world, but do it as a ritual so you never have to think about it. Sunburns suck. So do early wrinkles and don’t get me started on the statistics of men and skin cancer… If you have full blown acne or huge pores or blackheads, get a dermatologist. It is not lame to take this seriously. You don’t want to be the pizza face guy. Not when there are so many options in today’s world. It’s too hard. You don’t have to be bigger than it. It’s not a character builder, it’s an ego killer. Lots of things that didn’t go my way made me stronger. This is not one of them. If anything, I still can’t hold my head as high as I’d like. Be diligent. It’s no joke.

Side note on picking: I’m won’t tell you not to do this. Doctors will. Magazines do. It’s supposed to be bad and make things worse and potentially scar you and everything – but I’m abnormally relieved when I attack my face. I always thought it was because I got to kill things I hate (no matter how little), but I recently read that often A type people are often closet pickers. Apparently, it is a valid source of stress relief and that I am far from alone in partaking. Now if I find myself gouging at my skin, it’s a pretty good indicator that I’m stressed about something. And personally, picking is preferable to a whitehead any day. Dermatologists may not agree but they aren’t the ones walking around with my skin so they can shut it.

Your dad is in shape

Hair: Either of us. Dad’s is receding only slightly but overall, we both have big, full heads of hair. You are one lucky laddie.

Athleticism: Both of us. Dad played football till he found acting and then he danced and worked out. I was a track star until high school when everyone got taller and I got my a#* handed to me. After that I stuck to water sports almost exclusively  – swim team captain, synchronized swimming and diving – till University when I joined the Varsity ski team and ultimate frisbee team. After that, I too found my place in full time acting and became a dancer/gym bunny. Your dad is still in wicked shape. He kills the gym, surfs, golfs and plays competitive paintball. If this is not still true when you read this and his “sports” consist of watching the Ducks on television, kindly remind him of his athletic past.

I obviously can’t do what I used to, but I was in great shape when I got pregnant with you and still would be if the situation were different. Your granddad told me once that if you can exercise consistently till your 30’s it’ll never leave you. It’ll always be something your body loves and responds too. It’s easy when your young to be lazy. You can eat anything and never gain a pound and it seems like it’ll always be that way. It won’t. You gotta  put in the work. As the song says : Take care of your body. It is your most trusted friend.

As a great motivating bonus: if you exercise (in whatever form you love), you can eat. And eating is GOOD.

Attitude: Both of us, but for different reasons. Your dad’s for positivity and can do-ness. He’s a force for good your father. He sees the brightness and joy in the world. He’s a true optimist. He’s sincere in his best wishes for everyone and people love him for it. I truly believe he is enjoying life more than most and believe me, our life is far from easy. He believes it’s all going to work out and he lives that way. He’s wonderful and happy. I want that for you.

I am not what you would call an optimist, but I’m tenacious. I’m also someone who can make things happen. A go-getter if you will. I may have lost my way a bit, but it’s still who I am. It can be who you are too. It’s a good way to be. Just don’t forget to listen. I sometimes do and it’s not my best quality.

Work Ethic:  We both work our a*#es off. I’m a doer. I make lists and get things done in multiples of 4. I’d get an assignment in school and start it right away. I wouldn’t miss a party or anything, but I’d consistently work on something so what I handed in was my best possible effort. I still live like that. It can make me a bit…I don’t know, anal? rigid? perfectionist-y? But I deliver and I’m proud of that. Your dad is a work horse. Sometimes I literally don’t know how he does it. Trying to make it as an actor you have to do lots of other jobs. Your father has been known (on many occasions) to get up at 5am, work out, make breakfast, go to his job downtown with your Aunt Gerry, finish work, change, bartend till 1am, come home and start all over again the  next day. For 2 weeks last year he worked all day and then shot a movie all night – 8am-4pm and then 5pm-4am. We’ve had weeks where we’ve barely seen him and then when he is home he’s working in the office on whatever new project he’s gotten himself into – App Company, Card company, writing, producing…he’s unbelievable. I used to worry that without his “big break” he might be like a hamster on a wheel. Running and running without going anywhere. But he’s too ambitious for that. Too creative. You can’t go wrong having a work ethic like him.

Your Dad, however, did his homework on Sunday night before it was due. You’re not allowed to do that.

There are so many more things:

Fashion sense: Me

Joke telling/Circus stunts and all around Revelry: Dad

Cooking: Dad. I really try and I’m a better baker, but I’d still say Dad.

Business Sense: Me. Though all credit goes to your Granddad.

Dancing: For partnering no one beats your Dad. In Top 40 club dancing however, you might want to take after your mama.

And finally…

Relationships: I know this isn’t genetically predetermined, but how you love might be. Your dad and I are both full fledged, both feet in, Romantics. Your granny once told me (after yet another heartbreaking breakup) that maybe I should lower my standards a bit so I wouldn’t be disappointed all the time. I, of course, freaked out and told her that if someone like me existed – someone who didn’t do things at 60% in case something better came along or so they wouldn’t get hurt – then someone LIKE me had to exist too. I went on ONE date with your father and that was it. He was as 100% as I was. On our first Valentines he laid a path of rose petals from my front door all the way to the bed where they were scattered everywhere. He’d left me 3 gifts. One for our past. One for our present. One for our future. I cried that day  because I was overwhelmed with happiness and relief. I’d finally found my match and I didn’t have to settle to do it. I’d still advise you to play it cool. Don’t smother or stalk. Never stalk. But love 100%. Don’t hedge your bets. Believe in the happy ending.

You’re genetically predisposed to get it.

I love you.

xo Mom

Leah Lee Photography

Sep 19

8 Comments

Technology

Dear Loch,

Baby you’re growing up in a crazy world. Technology is so prevalent in your life. So much of how we interact with each other now is digital. You don’t know a world where you take a picture and you can’t see it right away. A world without email or the internet or cell phones. I am not that old but I clearly remember the time before computers…when the dinosaurs roamed the earth. In elementary school my library got a PET computer and then upgraded to the unbelievably fast Commodore 64. We weren’t allowed to touch it, but it was there. In Jr. High my class used to crowd around one Apple computer and watch our librarian/gym teacher play Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?  In high school I took typing. It was called computers, but it was typing. I took a laptop the size of a small stump to University with me but email didn’t exist until my last year. To use it we had to go to a computer lab in the Engineering Building because no one had internet at home. Even then I didn’t go that often because there wasn’t anyone to email. Until high school if you called my house and we weren’t home you just missed the call. Call Answer was one of the fanciest things that happened to my teenage years.

This might sound a lot like the millenial version of “when I was young we used to walk 5 miles in the snow just to get to school…” and in a way, it is. You’ll never know how convenient and connected your world is because you have nothing to compare it to. On the flip side you’ll never know how simple things used to be, and for that, I’m kinda sorry. I can’t imagine going to school when everyone has a cell phone. A device that texts and records and is a constant reminder of how cool or not cool you are. I can’t imagine trying to learn (let alone teach) in a class with that technology. I shutter to think about going to high school parties knowing that anything I do could end up on the web. Every bad decision I made, every silly call, every drunken (yes, drunken, I was no saint) escapade is a memory for me. Something that can be remembered less clearly as years go by. Something that lives on only in stories. But for you, you live in a world where everything you do can be recorded and shared in real time. And once it’s out there it’s not going away. That’s horrifying to me. I had some fun times when I was young, ridiculous times even, but I am SO glad that no one has them on tape.

Kids can be mean and this kind of technology only exacerbates the potential for real hurt.  Here’s my advice on technology:  Take it. I promise I only have your best interests at heart.

1. No cell phones in class. I can’t believe I even have to say this. I don’t understand how all schools don’t have a leave your cell phone in your locker or at the door policy. It’s ludicrous to me. Class can be boring but you’re not there for kicks, you’re there to learn. You might goof off. You might tune out. But for the most part, without your phone, you’ll be taking it in. It’s respectful to the teacher and to yourself. Your dad and I will do everything we can to give you the best possible education. Do everything you can to get the most out of it.

2. If you can help it, avoid video when partying. This won’t always be possible, but things that seem hilarious at the time are just embarrassing played back later, and now with instant sharing, you can relive that naked dance for the rest of your life. You get my point.

3. Pictures are fine. They’re a blast. I’m all about pictures. Just be aware of what’s being photographed. Try not to be photographed drinking or doing anything illegal and for god sakes, don’t take naked pictures of yourself. Don’t SEND naked pictures of yourself. If possible, don’t encourage or accept naked pictures of others. There are so many weird rules now. Having a picture of anyone under 15 can be construed as child pornography, even if you’re a kid yourself. The world is not what it used to be. Ask the 5 year old boy who slapped a girl’s butt at recess and the police were called. He’s now a registered sex offender. He was 5!!! The world’s gone mad. Whether it makes sense or not is almost irrelevant. Don’t give them any rope to hang you by. Plus, the s#*t that happens to people’s intimate pictures after breakups should be enough to make you avoid it all together.

4. Be aware that everything that is put online is essentially public domain. Don’t have anything up there you don’t stand behind. You don’t have to be perfect, just make sure you’re online profile is PG. People are watching. Potential dates are googling you. Employers are checking up on you. Your mother is Facebook stalking you… be smart about what goes up because once it’s there it’s almost impossible to remove. This goes for things you say as well as for things you do. You want to be opinionated? Great. Own it and don’t be cruel. Snarky can be funny. Witty is amazing. Just don’t be mean. Never say anything online (or in person) that would truly hurt someone. Have absolutely nothing to do with bullying. Cyber or otherwise. We are raising you to be kind. To be empathetic. To be a leader. Be someone worth looking up to.

As a side note: If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, I am so sorry. Please know it will pass. Be as confident as you can in the knowledge that you are wonderful and that if people don’t understand you now, you will find people that will understand you later. Stay strong and get through it. People who bully are stunted in some way. There is something in them that holds them back from being truly happy. You, however, will be truly happy. If not now, then later. Stay true to who you are. Kids can be a^*holes. Don’t be one of them and don’t bow to them. You are better than that. I may or may not be here to know the man you’ll become, but darling, I know you’re better than that.

5. Direct more attention to people in real time than to people online. I’m seriously considering implementing a “no technology while interacting with others” policy in our house but your dad might implode and I’d struggle. Texts and calls are going to happen but be mindful of your environment. If there are real people in your space (and this includes Starbucks baristas, grocery store clerks and even people you don’t really like) be present for them and not for the person on the other end of the digital device. Unplug, or at the very least, acknowledge and apologize. It’s basic manners but it’s being forgotten fast. Recently your dad and I saw a bunch of 14 year olds at the movies. They were in the lobby in a circle and every single one of them was texting. Not talking. Texting. Who were they texting? Weren’t they out with their friends? Why were their cyber friends more important than their physical friends? I felt 100 years old watching that. I practically said, “These kids today…”

6. Take time to unplug. There is so much information out there and so many social media venues that you could be dialed in from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. I can’t tell you how often I watch TV, surf the web, text and check my emails all at the same time. Your dad and I deliberately didn’t get a TV in our bedroom because we wanted our room to be a haven for sleep, etc., but we get into bed and are both on our phones or iPads clicking away into the night. I know it will only be worse for you. Try to fight it. Play sports. Look out the window. Read a book. Talk on the phone. Talk to me…Be a part of the physical world as much as you are a part of the digital one. Give yourself the gift of boredom. Sometimes the best ideas come out of a quiet mind.

Also: DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE. No joke. I have to stop myself from doing it. I’m always reminding myself if I get in an accident would that text have been worth it? The answer is always no. Your father has informed me that this will be a mute point by the time you’re driving but you get my point. Pick safety over socializing.

7. Finally, beware the over share. As shocking as it is to hear, everything you do is not important. It’s important to you and it’s important to me, your mother, but it’s not all interesting. I think the generations that are growing up surrounded by social media have become confused as to what’s news. Self editing seems to be losing ground to personal purging. Social media makes people both more aware of others, and infinitely more self centered. Highlights from your life are good. Mundane details of your daily routine are self involved. If the dinner you made turned out better than expected sure, take a picture of it and post it with pride, but daily pictures of your lunch are irrelevant. Don’t post about doctors appointments, or body issues or toilet behavior. Somethings should just remain private no matter how public the world has become.

You live in a connected world. You have had an iPhone since you were 1. You cyber chat with our friends and relatives all over the world. You will remain close with friends you would otherwise lose touch with. You can talk to your girlfriend without the danger or your dad picking up the phone. But remember that you are a person and not a machine. The world goes too fast for us to keep up. Don’t try. As the Buddist’s say, Do what you’re doing when you’re doing it. If you’re at the beach or a party or at dinner just hang out and be with who’s there. Don’t post pictures or text about it, don’t check your email, don’t see what others are doing that might be better. Just do what you’re doing while you’re doing it. In my day that was a given. Now you could miss your life while posting about your life. Don’t. Let technology help you not rule you.

I love you.

Text me!

xo Mom

Evolution of Man from p.jones.demons.uk

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