Trying to get my life back on point
So, I got thrown kinda a curve ball with the PH situation. Granted I was already on the cusp of burning out as an actress but the pregnancy and then the chronic/possibly terminal illness thing took over and I went way off course. The thing is, I’m an achiever. It’d be fair to call me an overachiever except lately I’m quite underwhelming. I thought I’d “be” someone by now. Between you and me I thought I’d be the next Jennifer Aniston (sitcom darling not famous divorcee). I thought I’d be hobnobbing with the artist elite and be able to say to my neigh sayers “See, I don’t need a fallback career. Actress is my job. I made it. I’m Someone.” Needless to say, I never got to say that.
Lately I dread people asking me what I’m up to. Really. I hate it. I even hate it when Sean asks me what I did that day. I can tell you I was busy. I can tell you I’m exhausted. I can say that Loch is still alive and in one piece but really… did my day really consist of driving to and from preschool, Target, Ralphs, dry cleaners, general food making and cleaning up from said food making? Really?! Really girl who went to University, Graduate School and Conservatory? Your day was Costco? Really?
The thing is I planned to be an actress and when that fell through I thought I’d go into production, which for my control freak personality was probably a better fit, but I wanted to be a hands on mom and working 20 hour days wasn’t conducive to that. So, I thought I’d take my photography hobby and make a career of it. Thing is, I liked it but I hated trying to make money from it so my 500 business cards went to waste when our phone number changed. So, now I’ve decided I’m a writer. I’ve always written and years of saying other people’s words have made me pretty skilled at creating my own but I’ve yet to make any money from it so I still feel like a poser.
I’m starting this blog now to take charge. To begin again and to remind myself that I’m someone worth listening too.
in case i'm gone 
Leigh. Please do me a favor. Load TED conferences on your IPad and watch the speech by Ric Elias before you continue to denegrate that great corporate entity known as Costco and further minimize your contribution to this universe.
You, Sean, and Lochie have a warmth. A depth. A tenderness. A BRILLIANCE that touches the hearts and souls of all who know you. Furthermore, to bring a healthy loving person into this troubled world and give him a strong foundation of love and determination is the greatest contribution anyone can possibly make. Especially a mother. There is something primal, spiritual about a mother’s love.
A great career? If you want it, need it, then I wish it for you. However please don’t misconstrue the mundane activities of the day as a measure of your worth. Those of us who are priveledged to know you know better. Lochie knows better.
Its about who you touch. On behalf of all who know you…..
We are so touched.
We are grateful
Steve
Wow! I love how honest this is. I’m a new mom and feel the same way most of the time.it’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one and we shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling these things. Being a mom is hard work and we should give ourselves more credit.
I totally get your mindset regarding “what are you up to.” Most of my adult life I worked full time and managed a busy, crazy schedule. These days, my life is still busy and crazy, but in a totally different way. Motherhood changes everything. So does life with a chronic illness. Try to cut back on comparing your life now to your life before PH and motherhood. It isn’t easy and I still having trouble managing that with my own situation, but sometimes, when I manage to just live in the here-and-now, life is a little more peaceful.
You’re one courageous cookie, by the way. I love your wordcraft and hope you stick with your blog.
You have such a beautiful story to tell, a story that I’m sure will continue to evolve, my prayer is for the better. You write beautifully and you love for your son (and husband) shines through the words you type. I hope that you continue to write. You are creating something so wonderful and I hope it brings the three of you such joy when you look back at it years later.
Thank you for sharing.
Krishann
Hey Leigh! Heather Grieve here…. way to go on this blog!!!! Awesome. You’ve totally inspired me to write letters to my boys/family/friends….(although I’m not a talented writer like you so I’ll just hide mine under my mattress lol!)
Anyhow, I’ve just spent 15 minutes laughing – crying – laugh/crying etc reading your letters…. just amazing. I think I’m addicted! You Rock Leigh!
Big Hugs.
(ps hope to see more of you guys in G Bay next summer xox (sorry we missed you guys the rest of the summer – the rotating summer virus went through our house – blek)
Thanks a million Heather. I really appreciate that. Yes, definitely next summer. More time! We loved being with you guys for Duncan’s birthday. Both Loch and I had a great time. Hope all is well with you.
xo leigh
Stumbled onto your blog. You can do it!!!!! You’re a pretty good writer and I’m sure you can “make a career” out of whatever you put your mind to.